Hello Dear Readers, Friends, and Humans on the Internet,
Girl, Bye!
As the pandemic swept through in Spring 2020, I found myself taking a cold, hard look at my inner circle. What I saw was a landscape littered with symptoms of burnout and life-altering transitions. I found this meme somewhere and quickly had an a-ha moment.
Being an Aries Moon with a Leo Ascendant, passion and drama play out innately strong in themes of my life, and managing chaotic moments has become a standard survival tactic. Though, what begins as a coping mechanism often morphs into an endless routine of extinguishing fires. And often fires started by other people, draw endless attention to incidents that I was tired of being burned by.
Many of the folks I had in my life at that time, like I was prior, were not aware of their own level of burnout, or at least not to what extent. I slowly realised I was operating in a bubble full of “sick” people. Lives played out and events turned, and we all have somehow found a reset while continuing to dredge the road of happy destinies.
Logging off
Amidst this turmoil, I found myself entrenched in the corporate world, serving as an executive assistant in a fancy setting with fancy tasks for fancy people. Despite the allure of this environment, a call from my past prompted a profound realisation—I needed to prioritise my role as a mother, especially with the onset of the pandemic in Holland. Physically and emotionally drained from navigating the aftermath of a separation from my husband, I made the decision to step away from my job.
My resignation was met with understanding from my bosses, who also happened to be the company's leaders. Over a decade of dedication had proven my worth, allowing me to make my exit with a simple declaration: "I don't feel good and need to go home to rest."
The decision was driven by a heavy emotional burden—surrounded by a world in turmoil, coping with personal upheavals, and the complexities of divorce.
Control. Alt. Delete.
Living in Europe afforded me the legal protection to prioritise both my physical and mental health, offering paid time off as mandated by law. Despite my affinity for my job, burnout loomed, fuelled in part by the exhaustion of maintaining a facade.
At work, I could be my authentic self, basking in validation and camaraderie. Yet, returning home felt less like a respite and more like a jail sentence, as I thrived in social settings, finding solace in being a people-pleaser and social butterfly for the majority of my day.
The pandemic prompted a seismic shift in my perspective on parenthood. Previously, my value was tethered to my workplace contributions, but post-separation, my definition of home underwent a profound transformation. Surrounded by illness and isolation, I fast-forwarded through worst-case scenarios, drawing on my past experiences with depression to prioritise self-care and solitude.
Recognising the events being surrounded by people falling ill and being isolated at home, I could quickly fast forward with a worst case scenario for my own mental well-being. Being diagnosed with depression at a young age, and experiencing various levels of situational and environmental high/low blows throughout life, I had already learned enough to know I needed time to rest in solitude for my nervous system to process what I was about to go through.
My bosses offered their blessings and I aligned therapy treatments with a support team of professionals. Then, I went home and went to bed for six months.
Letting go of chaos
In the whirlwind of 2020, as the world grappled with unprecedented challenges, I found myself immersed in a journey of self-discovery and reinvention. The pandemic served as a catalyst for profound personal growth, prompting me to embrace a staycation—my own staycation version of a "Eat, Pray, Love" moment.
Amidst the chaos, I found moments of clarity and renewal, shedding old habits and embracing new perspectives. I came off most of my prescription medicines and lost 45 kilos in under nine months. I was able to have moments spent at home with my kids, learning new ways to be a mother. I reduced the amount of people I had in my life adding depth to the relationships that were most impactful. And, resting in solitude prevailed throughout most of my time spent while in recovery mode.
It was for real shadowy for a solid year, give or take a few months, as the process of purging and elimination can be quite thorough and long-lasting.
Alarms are alarming
In our fast-paced, hyperconnected world, it's easy to accept numbness as a norm, as this was very much my own story and unraveling. My journey through burnout revealed that it wasn't any one thing that led me to that breaking point, but rather the relentless pressure to keep up with a modern-day westernised ‘American Dream’ reality that didn't align with what makes me feel authentically happy.
It took time, but I eventually learned to embrace that numbness and find peace within it. Surrendering to it wasn't easy—it felt like an endless dark night of the soul. But through that struggle, I came to understand that many of the mental health challenges we face are symptoms of the societies and cultures we've learned to adapt to.
From geopolitical tensions to personal reflections on mental health
Looking to mental health topics and awareness being on the rise, we can start to make sense that many of these mental and emotional (dis)eases are directly related to the insane realities of the societies and cultures we’ve learned to adapt to under hyper-capitalism. But that’s another topic for another day.
Deep in Reflection & Observation
During recovery of a heavy burnout, and for the hours I was awake, I sat around staring at walls sensing for solutions to appear. This was in practice of daily sadhana which includes, yoga asana, meditation, both active and silent, journaling, study, and some form of daily cardio.
I realised it was exactly what I had asked for years prior, but I never had the time to spend since I was otherwise busy working, producing, caring for anyone other than myself.
For me, finding the courage to end my marriage took energy I didn’t have during the years I spent in the marriage trying to save it. The time during the pandemic, being single, forcing myself to spend time alone when I didn’t have my kids taught me to value the relationships of those closest to me. But I woke to realise I didn’t feel emotionally safe around most people I was surrounded by.
Living My Yoga - Grace in Sovereignty
As a longtime yogi, I realised I had abandoned my spiritual practice but had a newly found opportunity to reignite it during the pandemic. I turned to my practice for guidance and inspiration during lockdown and processing a divorce. Spending more time in philosophical studies and textual guidance. Having virtual classes and online resources with my teachers located all over the world became my lifeline, helping me take small steps towards my goals even when my energy was low.
I’ll conclude with a ‘living my yoga’ musing I wrote and had stuck on a post-it note on the underside of my fancy ergonomical desk when I worked in corporate HR:
“At the end of the day, you are just a number on a spreadsheet. It’s not personal, so don’t take yourself so seriously in this environment. Be authentically you, no matter how many flags HR receives on your behalf. Processing harsh feedback is what brings more strength in authenticity.”
These moments are learning opportunities. If you’re not learning, you’re not evolving.
This audio pod included in this article offers as a way to condense text, ya know…to protect burnout brain and all.
I share more input here, so for readers wishing for a deeper dive there’s a call to action for a boundary exercise I’ve learned in therapy that has been tested with success. I invite you to have a leisurely listen and enjoy the mindful meditation which is grounded in the below affirmations.
Show me focus and bravery.
Show me what to let go of and what to embrace.
Show me how to be of best service, and I promise I will not back down.
Inhale….Pause….Exhale…Pause…
Let's end with being grateful for this day, and for this opportunity to serve in this life.
Many, many blessings. Goodbye for now.
Namaste xx
Audra
Living Your Yoga: Logging off & Letting Go